Brittany quiroz

Depression. The word seems to have such a negative condentation. It’s one of those hush hush topics that is not often devoured from fears of revealing parts of ourselves that might otherwise be categorized as weak and humiliating. Well I like plunging into controversial topics. I don’t tend to play by the rules much and I think that is something I think could be more seen in the world, especially when it comes to the world of disability. We lack the hootspa to bring up bladder control, lack of sexual function, mental illness, depression, anxiety and other “dark figures” as some would put it. These aspects of reality are often stereotyped to depict the elderly, the weak, the unstable, the insane, the reckless when in fact they are just as normal as smiling or laughing. Human reaction. Human emotion. Acceptance. Willingness. Being comfortable with being UNcomfortable. Being real. It’s all part of being unapologetically ourselves. To own our disasters just as much as victories. To be proud that we fell...because after we fell and then fell again, then fell some more, eventually we wiped the dirt off our knees, wiped our tears and got up to do it all over again. 

For me depression was something I knew well. After falling into a dark head space for years and then throwing myself into an abusive first marriage that would bring me to my knees to say the least, I was familiar enough with the theory of what it was like to truly lose yourself. Lose your self worth. Lose your confidence. Lose the essence of what makes you you, makes you human, makes you valuable to the world. All those things flew out the window like parachute pants in the early 90’s. You know that something is wrong the day you wake up and can’t figure out how to brush your teeth. But I came from a mindset that the bible tells us we need to make the marriage work and stick it out and see it through. I was a fixer. I loved to fix things and fix people. Well we know that people can not be fixed unless they want to do the work themselves. I learned this in my early 20’s. I had far surpassed any situation I ever thought I would be in. I was an arts kid. I was strong in my faith. I was very close with my family and then it seemed in a split second all of that was gone and people of the opposite spectrum were flocking to me like chicks at an Aerosmith concert. There was nothing I could do to get away from it. I was stuck. Playing backup for a show I ultimately didn’t want to invest in yet I kept selling out the seats. 

You don’t get comfortable with the dark parts of your past until you put it out there for the world to see or in this case, read. There’s a level of ownership that takes place. If you speak it, if you write it, if you share it, it’s real and it will reach someone. Even if you think it won’t. Somebody will get the message and say “yah...i get it.” That is why I share. Not for the “Wow Factor” because come on i’m creative enough to come up with something as nostalgic as something seen on Keeping Up with the Kardasians. So i’m going to shut down that theory right now just because i know there are plenty of folks out there that believe topics such as this should be tucked away on a shelf and not talked about. I’ve removed people from my life that believe in such things because my goal here is to raise awareness and break the stigma of the box we are told to stay in. 

I remember being physically affected by my depression. Everyday seemed like an endless timewarp of disaster and agony. And no, I'm not over exaggerating. I married too fast, too young in my opinion now. I was in love with the idea of being in love. I got blind sided by a narcissistic alcoholic and drug addict that really had me fooled. I could write a book on gaslighting. But I choose to devour my time more wisely on the escape rather than the analytical portion of breaking down an unfortunate human characteristic as a whole. It took me a few years to pull my head out of my you know what. And it didn’t matter how many people told me I deserved better. Family, friends, supervisors, co-workers. You can go to a movie and be engulfed in the sound effects, the smell of popcorn and CGI effects, but if you go in blind folded with ear plugs on you will never appreciate what the film truly has to offer. This took me a while to figure out. I remember looking at myself with such disgust and disgrace at one point you ask yourself “how can I realistically get out of this?” I was terrified of jumping not knowing that God actually had filled the bottom with pillows and anything else that would constitute a soft landing. I had to trust. Trust for many of us is a whole nother issue altogether but I’ll save that for another article. 

Having the faith and trust to let go of everything we knew in hopes of it being replaced with something better and more beautiful than we ever imagined. 

At one point you, and yes I said you because its the truth, but you will go through something so painful that you can feel your soul unraveling and yourself slipping away. How far do you have to go before you realize it’s time to take action? For some it takes only one small trip to snap back into reality. For others and myself it took tripping, then falling, then jumping off a building, then getting hit by a bus, then getting attacked by a gorilla on steroids with rabies to finally open up my eyes and take action. All of that was metaphorical by the way. Although would make for a great TV series. Maybe a sequel to Tiger King. “Gorilla Nation”. But what if we had the power to snap ourselves out of it before we got in too deep. I believe that this is possible but can’t be achieved without exponential change and by being more welcoming of our dark parts. If we hear more about the dark parts we know what the signs are and what to avoid when they begin to show themselves. 

Having the confidence to snap yourself out of it only comes by being really comfortable with being uncomfortable. I myself love to control things. I love to feel in control. Well, I can tell you right now that pulling yourself out of a 3 year mentally, emotionally and physically abusive marriage is not in any way shape or form, comfortable. It was terrifying. Heart breaking. Painful. Exhausting. But if someone asked me would I do it all again, I would say gladly. Not because I'm a glutton for punishment or a masochist but because it taught me so much. You see, life is all how you view it. You can choose to give me the role of the victim here as you read this article and that is your choice, but certainly not how I view myself. It’s not even about me here. It’s about every man, woman, child that has gone through pain whether afflicted by health, by someone else or by themselves even. You have the capability to achieve better. You are worthy of better. You are destined for greater things. But in order to rise from the pain and achieve that sense of self worth again you must get really familiar with putting it all out there. 

Now for some of you, you will interpret this as plastering your crappy past on a build board off your local freeway. I’m not saying this. Everyone's path is different. Some will begin to journal about it. Some will write music. Some will talk to their family. Some will join a support group. While others will pour their pain into a painting or restoring the inner mechanics of a beaten down 65 Chevy. We see it in films...all the time. Where the broken soul becomes hardened and closed off until their heart starts to tear away at the outer shell until the final scene where the broken soul falls to their knees and sees the light. How incredible is that moment to watch? It’s beautiful and it’s beautiful because it’s real. Depression is in many ways the same. We have to hit rock bottom. We have to get to the point where our self worth and determination to become more supersedes our grief and sorrow. These are the moments that build us. When we ask ourselves what we truly want in life? When we ask what is our worth? When we consider what God wants for our lives? So I challenge you even if you are in the deepest darkest parts of your pain right at this moment. What does your heart tell you you deserve? Not your mind, not your sense of warped logic of the situation you are currently in. But what you truly in your soul know you want or better yet, deserve? Go back to a moment in time where you knew joy. Because if you experienced joy once you will and have the capability to know joy again, regardless of your circumstance. 

For me I got the sense of how to set boundaries. How to never settle. How to be picky of who I allow in my life. I learned what my purpose was. I learned that nothing good ever comes easy. I discovered the value of love and to love myself first. We are all worthy of this love. We are all worthy of sharing our story regardless that it may just be in fact, ugly.